Finally....

21st of September 2010... This date marks the final day of my 5 year battle and struggle in medical school *Yes it was a struggle for me* This past month has really been a tough one for me - stuffing in all that information learnt over the past 5 years - I felt like I was going to lose it. But now it's all over and the wait is here. Waiting for that day to come. That day that will change my life and make my parents happy that finally their son has done it.

What can I do now? PRAY!!! Pray!!! and pray! =P

Today - 2nd Sept 2010

Of all the days you have hurt me today has been the worst.

That tone in your voice I recognize it all so well and I guess hearing you today did snap me back to reality.

I am confused as to what I should do and how I should react.

As of now I am pissed and so very hurt. So don't bother saying anything because after today things are gonna be different. I did say this would happen but you said I shouldn't preach my concepts in life. So whatever to that! you would realize how much you have hurt me one day and by the time that comes I would have recovered and would have found the strength to say what I cannot say now...

Whatever is said this is on me. I brought is upon myself and I should have been more careful. You had your time now let me have mine!

I hate you!

I HATE YOU

HATE YOU

YOU! I HATE!!!

HATE with a capital H A T and E!!!

Is your sole purpose in life to see me hurt??

If that is so, well Congratu-fucking-lations!!!

Mission accomplished for you!!!!

Now pack up and LEAVE!!!

You don't get to....

You don't get to call me up and act like nothing ever did happen.

You don't get to expect me to act or normal.

You don't get to expect anything from me anymore.

Simply for the fact when all I expected from you was just you and your presence but what I got in return was just tears and heartache!!

So NO!!

You don't get to question anything about me or my behaviour.

You don't get to have any say in anything I do!

You just DON'T!!!....

The Final Stretch!

It's here finally! The week I have been dreading! Oh my! The nerves have been kicking in for quite some time already but I keep suppressing them. But now I dunno... I'm stressed, tensed, freaking out. What if I don't get through this? I mean this is after all the BIG finals you know. I somehow manage to scrap through the other examinations but this is in like a whole new level.

I really want to get through this phase of my life and begin the next phase. The phase where I get to work and care for my family. I wanna be there for them and provide for them. But in order for that to happen I need to freaking pass this HUGE hurdle that is coming in a few days.

Good luck to all my friends who are sitting for this HURDLE together with me. Let's meet on the other side of the finish line!

How do I mend an unproductive day?

2nd week of study break. Most people have had immense progress in their studying at this point but looking at where I am... I'm so lost! Just a little shy of a week to go before it all happens - FINAL MBBS EXAMINATION. To imagine this is THE exam what would bring all my childhood ambitions that much closer. Its so surreal. At times I sit and think that it took me so long to get here and in the process of getting here somehow I kinda lost the passion I had when I told my Primary 4 class teacher I wanted to be a doctor!

Sigh.....

Keeping that aside, let's talk about today. More like yesterday! The 11th of August 2010. Had slept so late the night before. I think it was almost 530 am by the time I hit the bed and by the time I actually slept it was like almost 7. Why you ask? Well I was having a heart-to-heart session with a best friend over the phone. Something I used to do when I was in Manipal. It was nice and re-assuring at some points just to know that there is someone out there who would hear my rants and vents.

As a result of a late night, I only woke up at like 11am. Decided to do my laundry. After that was done, decided I will go to the library. It was quite productive to some extent in the library. Did some reading then went to the gym. *I've made it a point to drag my ass there everyday no matter what - so proud of myself* Came back home only to find out that my SATC2 download was finally over. How can I not watch this now that it is within my reach? *evil laugh*

OMG! The movie was thoroughly entertaining. I laughed so much. With all that has been happening, it was really nice to laugh and for a moment forget about everything. *P.S. Abu Dhabi is now on my list! The place is just gorgeous!!*

After the movie I went for dinner with Gill and Dav. I really do miss hanging out with my friends. With studybreak and all everyone is busy studying and we haven't hung out as a group. After this would be finals and soon we will all be going our separate ways. It's kinda sad to know that I would be leaving these guys because honestly my group of friends have been the most awesome bunch of people I have gotten to know over the years. From being studious to wild wild fun people, my friends are everything - the total package!! I love you guys no matter what!!

*not mentioning names because you know who you are and yes I do mean YOU!!*

Exams Galore!!

So well, it's the middle of the week. I was dreading the coming of this week all for the simple fact that this just means that my FINAL EXAMINATION is just around the corner.

Monday marked the beginning of the sessionals for Batch 17. I was all tensed and stressed about it because I felt like I knew nothing *and I still don't* going in for it. Monday was medicine MEQ day (includes Pediatrics, Internal Medicine, Psychiatry, Primary Care Medicine and Ophthalmology). After a 3 hour along paper, I came feeling not so bad as I was able to answer most of it and of course making a few silly mistakes here & there. Not to say that I am being boastful but compared to how I felt when I entered the exam hall, coming out was like a sigh of relief. But I knew that MEQ 2 which was surgery subjects was gonna be a whole different story. Surgery subjects constitute General Surgery, Pediatric Surgery, Anaesthesia, Otorhinolaryngology *sounds more high-fi ain't it?*, Orthopedics and Obstetrics & Gyanecology. Horrible subjects, I tell you, HORRIBLE!! So much to read about in so little time. * Yes yes. It is my fault to do it so last minute. Bluek!!*

So after Monday's paper, I reach home and thought that I would get some sleep before I start studying as it was gonna be a 'burning the midnight oil' kinda night! Next thing I know I wake up to be greeted by a dark sky and a clock saying it was 8.30pm!! Talk about an extended sleep!! By the time I pulled myself out of bed and freshened up it was almost 10pm. I had like plus minus 10 hours left. So with the help of Redbull and Choki-Choki I tried reading *more like flipping* as many pages as I could. Soon it was time for me to leave for the examination hall and to cut it short, the paper was awesome!! I kept laughing to myself after reading every single question. Almost nothing I read came out!! * Yes I know I didn't read everything but still - NOTHING??!!*

Today is a free day. Tomorrow we start our MCQ papers. Hopefully that will go a bit better. *Oh who am I kidding right? That's gonna suck too* I'm looking forward to Friday because after that last paper I'm homeward bound for the weekend!! Wish me luck!! =P

24th of July 2010

Yesterday marked the end of my clinical posting in medicine school. After 5 years of what-seemed like it would go on forever, of medical school I finally can see the finish line. Whether I will make it across the finish line or not is another story but I can see it.. Starting from today its gonna be massive studying and studying.. That's the plan. How much I will adhere to it is still questionable.

That being said. It's now 1030am so I think I better get started on that studying stuff. I will try my level best to blog every now and then.. =D To all my batch mates, Good luck guy for sessionals and finals.. We are a good batch and we will graduate out of this miserable place!! Let's do it!!

AFTER SO LONG!!

It sure has been a loooong time since I wrote to myself * I say so because nobody reads this. =_=* That being said, I find it therapeutic that I am able to blog/write things that I would say out loud if I had someone who would just hear.

Wow! Where do I start?? So many things have happened. Things that I thought I have gotten over now show a glimmer of hope and suddenly I find myself back in square 1. Sometimes I just feel like yelling. Is it just me or do things always happen during exams? It's been like that since Manipal. 1st year finals I had that amazing breakdown. 2nd year I can't remember what happened but I do remember getting ready to repeat a year. 3rd year *back in Malacca* was LOVE!! Smack right in the middle of my sessionals, within days I realised I was in love and at the same time realised it would never happen. The only logical thing to do was to get over it, which I still am!! Great right!!!

And now!! the amount of problem I am getting is simply amazing!! Every single week is something new.

I really need to focus and get my degree. Once that is in hand, I would be a huge load off my mind. I need a fresh start! Really very badly need one. Looking forward for the day when my blog will have happy and exciting blogs by me rather than emo-fied ones filled with sorrow and hurt! Hopefully it comes soon... =(

Today (28th April 2010)

These past few days have not been going that well for me. I was down with a fever and sore throat. Then flu and now a kinda bad cough. I haven't been getting much sleep either.

Today, I must say, was a bad day for me. I have been cranky and in an annoyed mood throughout the whole day. As a result, I didn't get much studying done *although I was staring at the book for like hours* and I got worked up about other small little things which really should not be any of my concern ANYMORE!!

It doesn't help that when I'm annoyed and irritated the next phase to follow suit would be my emo moments. Yes of course! That came along too. AAAAaaaaaaRRRRrrrGGGggggHHHHhhhhhh!!!

I'm pissed, emo-fied and tired!!

An Amazing Weekend in KL

This past weekend was Gill's sister's (Steph) wedding. It was an afternoon church wedding followed by a reception later that evening.

I recall attending a church wedding once when I was fairly younger. So this was something I was looking forward to. Dinesh and I left Malacca on Saturday morning at around 10am. We reached his home at about 11.30 and I was told we would be leaving in about half an hour or so as we were to be in the church by 1.30pm. So we got ready and left for the church. All the way through my stomach was grumbling. *hadn't had anything to eat since morning*

Finding St. Francis Xavier church at Jalan Gasing definitely proved to be a feat! After combatting our way through an impossible housing area we stumble upon the church at about 1.10pm only to find that we were among the first 10 people to be there. *truth be told the wedding was only at 2pm but still after being told to be there by 1.30pm I would have expected to see more people I guess*

As the time rolled by, one after another, guests started to arrive and soon the bridal car arrived. I saw Gill in this bright blue bridesmaid dress and she looked like she had grown taller. First I thought it was her hair as it was kinda swept to one side *F.Y.I. Gill looked amazing!!* but then I kinda figured it must be her shoes. =D

You know how they say that the bride always looks gorgeous on her wedding day. Well this bride looked amazing, breath-taking-jaw-dropping elegant. It was kinda hard to take your eyes of her. In her gorgeous wedding dress with that never ending trail behind her, impeccable detailing on the dress - WOW!!

Led by her flower girls and the ring bearer *the ring bearer was this small boy who took his job so seriously that he hardly took his eyes of those rings* the bride then made her way towards the man of the hour, her soon-to-be husband. =D

The priest decided to give a talk about lust and love, how they are indistinguishable. Well as the saying goes, to each their own.. i disagree with the priest's talk and will stand by my notion how they (love and lust) are absolutely 2 different things.

The wedding ceremony was before I knew it but it was a beautiful one nevertheless.

One thing that I shall always remember when I think of this particular wedding is the look in the bride's eye every single time she saw her man, be it when saying her vows or just simply catching a glimpse of her guy. *This is gonna be hard to explain so bear with me* It was a look that said and showed how much she loved him and how happy she was at that particular moment. It was a look of absolute indefinite bliss!! I was happy to see someone that happy get married to the person that is the cause of all that happiness...

Many people get married these days without even truly embracing the concept of love... selfless love. But this one shall forever be in my memory as a model wedding!! =)

Once everything was over in the church, Dinesh and I rushed back home with our stomach grumbling with hunger. Dinesh's mom had cooked an amazing lunch for us. After enjoying that home-cooked meal, what more is there left to do but sleep!! *Well at least I did*

Woke up at around 5.30pm and started to get ready to leave for the wedding reception.

The dinner reception was at The Ritz Carlton. What can I say about the reception? Great food, good wine, nice music, awesome ambiance - what else do you need?? Hehehe...

The bride's favourite quote was a beautiful one although at this point I can't seem to recall it. *Sigh* The mother of the bride gave a speech which was very moving - about family, togetherness and love.

After a long night of chatting, laughing and indulging in good food, we headed back home as we (Dinesh and I) were to return to Malacca the next day.

All in all, it was a weekend filled with laughter, happiness and good memories. =)

Back After a Very Long Break.

Yes yes I know you missed me.. *not like anyone reads this shit anyways kan?*

I know I have been absent since my last blog which was like for my birthday. Been super lazy and clinical postings have been somewhat on the crazy side.

So anyways I'm back and I'm gonna make it a point to at least post one blog each week. Okay? Let's hope I stick to it.. Hhahaha..

Truth be told blogging is actually kinda fun for me. Like right now I'm not analysing what I'm typing. I'm just typing whatever that's in my head which is quite relieving to me. =_=*

Anyways lots of things have happened over the few weeks and I'm gonna be blogging abt a few of them. So keep up and hope my blog entertains you. *Just realised that kinda didnt make any sense BUT it's my blog. YOU dont get to judge!=P*

Some call it a nightmare, others say its a waking-up call....

I say its losing someone who meant a lot to many people....

16th of January 2009, I was awakened by the shocking news of that someone I knew had just passed away. I say just because he had passed away merely hours before I got the news. I just sat there at the edge of my bed totally and utterly enveloped in shock!! Somehow when I went to sleep hours before that, never did I imagine that this is how the following day would be...

Ganesha... I may not have spoken to you or even known you as well as some of your very close friends and batchmates but somehow you leaving us has left a huge impact.

Being there at the mortuary that day, after the memorials and all... it was and still IS a huge loss that you have left us. I am definitely not wrong when I say that you have touched many people's life in so many different ways.

And now you get to look over all those who you hold dearly and close to your heart. Rest in peace my friend! Rest in Peace. =)

Keeping in Touch...

Over the years I have met many people. Some have stuck with me till today. Some are still hanging in there and there are some who have just vanished. Keeping in touch with people we have met. People we come to call as our friends. As many people find *and so do I at certain times*, keeping in touch is a difficult thing to do.

It is my personal opinion that even with the help of today's technology a.k.a the INTERNET, keeping in touch with other people has become hard. Quite to the contrary, posting a blog or constantly updating your on Facebook or Twitter is NOT keeping in touch with people. These are people who actually at some point of time if not always, mean or meant something to you. If you expect these people to know what's happening in your life through your blog, then all that says to me is what is the difference between them and a normal person who is reading your blog??

As much as keeping in touch is difficult, there are certain people in our life that we actually would MAKE time to sit down and tell them about stuff happening to us. Be that through a chat window over the net, a personalised email, or a phone call. That shows effort. Expecting someone to know it through your status updates is unfair to that person!

I know i regret losing contact with some of my friends but i still take some amount of initiative to try and get in contact with them once again.

Over the years what I have come to realise is that when you are reduced to know what's happening in your friend's life through social networking websites, then something is wrong in that friendship. You either need to have a talk with that friend or just let that friendship go...

Hmmmm.... I'm actually venting because I'm pissed and disappointed at certain people in my life who have reduced me to that situation. Whether it is my fault or not, I do not know because it just happened and I suddenly realise that I'm pushed to the curb!! It's sad and hurtful...

Anyways, try to make and effort to keep in touch with people who mean something to you in your life okay? Pick up that phone and give that person a call. Text or email that person if you are too busy.

Busy!! That's another thing I don't understand. How long will it take you to send an text message or to reply one?? An hour is it? Hardly 2 minutes. And if that person cannot do that, then I must say 'walk away'! That person is not worthy of your time!! Its 1am now and I'm blogging instead of studying for my finals because I'm pissed!! Ugggghhhhhhh!!!!

Rising stress levels...

As if I don't have my hands full with my up-coming 4th year finals (P2S1), last week's national incident was just contributing more to it. I have no idea why it affects me so much but it did and it still does! In case you people have no clue about what I am talking about, it is the protest against the relocation of the temple.

For something like this to happen just a few days before we celebrate our 52nd Independence Day was just saddening. I don't understand the necessity of the protest. It could have be carried out in a more civilized way rather than what happened. After 52 years of being an independent country and living somewhat harmoniously, something like this just dampens our spirit. When I viewed the video, I felt embarrassed because I was a Malaysia. Yes I was angry about the cow head but more importantly the way they spoke while rioting, their behaviour and mannerisms were just very unbecoming of an educated Malaysian.

Why the riot was allowed to continue even after threats about bloodshed and racial disturbances were made is a question we all ask till today? But sadly no answer has been provided. Instead the ISA protocol is being reviewed and ministers are justifying the riot. Many people are upset at the way this issue is being handled.

Apart from that there is the impending doom of my finals hanging in the background. At the rate I am going I have doubts about making it through and progressing to my final year. Thank god the study break is here. Its now time to shift into ultraspeed and make some progress with my studies. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself through.

On a brighter note, some nice things did happen this week as well. I had a visit from someone very special and that most certainly made my day. (Thank you for that!). I have managed to patch up things with a friend of mine. And last but certainly not least I am now back on my normal sleeping schedule. *Most of the time that is*

Social Network Sites and Us

No! I'm not going to say that the social network websites like Facebook and Twitter are bad or that we should stay away from them. I'm just gonna sit down and analyse how different our lives have become since the advent of these websites. Don't get me wrong I am in love with these websites (especially Facebook and Twitter *You would have noticed how they are frequently mentioned when I exemplify these websites*)

For all those who use these websites and actually check up on them on a frequent basis and not do it once in a blue moon, you guys know how much fun it can sometimes get. But I'm not here to discuss the fun part of these websites. *I'll do that another day =P*

Let us analyse.........

In my opinion we have become to dependent on these websites. Okay I'm not gonna start pointing fingers at people. Let's talk with me in perspective. I have lately realised that I have become too dependent on these websites. I update my day-to-day occurence on it. People know what I'm up to and stuff. Some may term it being easy and simple. But I think it is slowly doing some damage to the relationship we have with these people. Why can't I just text them to share with them what's going on in my life? Or better give a call now and then. No that would involve money. Doing it through these websites is FREE!! And we cover a more larger number of people at the same time. Right?... Agreed but it does take a toll on the relationship. Somehow the friendship we have with these people is confined to that website alone. For instance if I wanna know what a friend of mine is up to right now, I would just have to check his Twitter or Facebook. But as his friend what does that tell about me? What kind of a friend am I if I need to rely on a website to know what my friend is doing or how is he feeling?

What happened to the days when we used to call up and check on our freinds? The advent of technology has caused us to sit in front of our laptops, PCs or phones and access the world. It has come down to that friends have stopped calling each other and converse through these websites. If I happen to be having a nervous breakdown, instead of getting a call from a friend, I probably get a comment to my status on Facebook saying 'What happened?'. I mean seriously!! Are we that busy that sparing a little time for someone would mean total chaos for us?? I still feel great when I hear a friend's voice over the phone or meet over a cup of coffee... Where has those days gone? People tend to give the excuse that life has become too hectic and that they are constantly busy. It's true that time and tide waits for no man but at the same time if we do not make some time for the people we care for and love, rely on these websites to know if yr best friend is sick or having a breakdown....worry just comes to mind.

So to all those who read this blog of mine * I am grateful that you read it. Seriously!*, pick up the phone, call a friend or two...check up on them or better set up a meeting and let them know that you are still there. Let us try to be better friends even with the help of these websites.

Ta Chi House Dinner

I've been wanting to try out this place for a very long time and finally my long-standing wish was granted tonight. =)
Ta Chi House Cafe is located at No. 1, Jalan Tun Sri Lanang. Its just before Putra Hospital... in front of the church. I loved the interior of the place. It was simple and cosy unlike all those overly decorated high end places. Although it is situated by the road side, somehow it did not seem that noisy *maybe because our noise over-powered the traffic noise. =P*
Today's dinner was graced by the following people : Ruben, Taran, Daveena, Venothini, Dinesh, and of course, yours truly. Well the main reason we went there was to try out their Haagen Diazz milk shakes which were rumoured to be heavenly and simply yummy!! Needless to say I was all 'Let's go!' when with the mere mention of Haagen Diaz. *I love good ice cream okay. It's just too good to resist*
We decided to order dishes for dinner. On our menu for dinner was : fragrant rice *T-T*, rendang chicken, Ponteh chicken, chap chai, cencaluk egg. Food was good and filling. The chicken pieces served were good fleshy ones unlike the scrony looking ones you get at some places. Then came time for the milkshakes. I have got to say they were indeed heavenly.
Then and there it was decided that we shall return to this place probably for tea or something like that. I decided that whenever I am depressed or feel that I should reward myself, Ta Chi House Cafe's milkshakes it will be!!
Once dinner was over, we started talking...actually we started chatting about several things. Our chat made us realise and recall all the wonderful experiences we had gone through together throughout this 4 years. No matter what bitterness and hardship we have gone through, I am forever grateful to have met you guys and have you guys as my friends. =)

Death...

During the past few months, *to those who have noticed* the news has been all about people passing away and suffering. It has definitely been a very dim few months. It is a known fact that somewhere at all time someone is dying. But one cannot deny the feeling when you hear the news. Somehow a blanket of dullness, silence and sadness covers us up by the mere mention of the word --- D.E.A.T.H.
The world had lost some of its few great souls these past few months but while me mourn their passing away, let us not forget those who are still alive, still serving and contributing their part to this world in their own little way.
Like everything has an opposite, so does death. L.I.F.E. Let us not mourn the passing of these people but celebrate their life. Because at the end of it, they deserve it!
So if you have lost someone, be it a pet or a relative, a friend or a foe, join me and let's observe a minute of silence. In this one minute try to recall this person that you have lost. Don't think that they have gone. Recollect the fond memories you have had with them...about them. Remember how their voice sounds, how their face looks and how they make you feel... Remember..... To all those who have left me : I'm glad you are in a better place now. I know you are always with me in my mind and spirit. I miss you. I love you. R.I.P.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry :

• I wasn't there to comfort you when you needed comforting.
• I wasn't there to give you a hug when you needed one.
• I wasn't a good friend when you needed someone to talk to.
• I wasn't there when you needed a shoulder to cry on.
• I created much trouble regarding a small matter.
• I got your name involved in it.
• If I ever did something to hurt your feelings.
• For my big mouth.
• For not understanding you.
  

When you least expect it....

Has anyone ever told you the phrase before - 'When you least expect it....'
If you are one of those people then welcome to the club. Many things in our lives happen when we least expect it to happen. Sort of catches us by surprise! It's all happy-happy smiley face when something pleasant or exciting happens suddenly. But when someone or something hurtful happens suddenly, it's hard to swallow.
Here's is my attempt to make a list of things that happened when I least expected. Maybe you should try making one yourself. Here goes :

When I least expected......

• I found people that I can trust.
• I found that people lie and cheat and that nobody can be trusted.
• I realised that I am being used.
• I realised that I am alone.
• I fell in love.
• I realised the hurt and pain of a broken heart.
• I have people who care for me.
• I saw the true side of some of my friends.
• I saw the fun and exciting side of my friends.
• I saw the extent my friends would go to help me.
• I got hurt by the people that I cared for ever so much.
• I realised that nobody's got your back but you yourself!!
  
• It dawned on me the importance of family!
• I found friends who actually mean what they say.
• I found myself.
• I lost myself.
• I hurt myself.
• I survived myself.
• I confessed my feelings to you.
• You broke my heart.
• I realised that life without you is near to impossible.
• You called me a self centered person.
• I realised that I deserve much more than you.
• I grew up, grew wiser and then a lot dumber.
• I realised that what doesn't break you, makes you!!