Today - 2nd Sept 2010

Of all the days you have hurt me today has been the worst.

That tone in your voice I recognize it all so well and I guess hearing you today did snap me back to reality.

I am confused as to what I should do and how I should react.

As of now I am pissed and so very hurt. So don't bother saying anything because after today things are gonna be different. I did say this would happen but you said I shouldn't preach my concepts in life. So whatever to that! you would realize how much you have hurt me one day and by the time that comes I would have recovered and would have found the strength to say what I cannot say now...

Whatever is said this is on me. I brought is upon myself and I should have been more careful. You had your time now let me have mine!

I hate you!

I HATE YOU

HATE YOU

YOU! I HATE!!!

HATE with a capital H A T and E!!!

Is your sole purpose in life to see me hurt??

If that is so, well Congratu-fucking-lations!!!

Mission accomplished for you!!!!

Now pack up and LEAVE!!!

You don't get to....

You don't get to call me up and act like nothing ever did happen.

You don't get to expect me to act or normal.

You don't get to expect anything from me anymore.

Simply for the fact when all I expected from you was just you and your presence but what I got in return was just tears and heartache!!

So NO!!

You don't get to question anything about me or my behaviour.

You don't get to have any say in anything I do!

You just DON'T!!!....

The Final Stretch!

It's here finally! The week I have been dreading! Oh my! The nerves have been kicking in for quite some time already but I keep suppressing them. But now I dunno... I'm stressed, tensed, freaking out. What if I don't get through this? I mean this is after all the BIG finals you know. I somehow manage to scrap through the other examinations but this is in like a whole new level.

I really want to get through this phase of my life and begin the next phase. The phase where I get to work and care for my family. I wanna be there for them and provide for them. But in order for that to happen I need to freaking pass this HUGE hurdle that is coming in a few days.

Good luck to all my friends who are sitting for this HURDLE together with me. Let's meet on the other side of the finish line!

AFTER SO LONG!!

It sure has been a loooong time since I wrote to myself * I say so because nobody reads this. =_=* That being said, I find it therapeutic that I am able to blog/write things that I would say out loud if I had someone who would just hear.

Wow! Where do I start?? So many things have happened. Things that I thought I have gotten over now show a glimmer of hope and suddenly I find myself back in square 1. Sometimes I just feel like yelling. Is it just me or do things always happen during exams? It's been like that since Manipal. 1st year finals I had that amazing breakdown. 2nd year I can't remember what happened but I do remember getting ready to repeat a year. 3rd year *back in Malacca* was LOVE!! Smack right in the middle of my sessionals, within days I realised I was in love and at the same time realised it would never happen. The only logical thing to do was to get over it, which I still am!! Great right!!!

And now!! the amount of problem I am getting is simply amazing!! Every single week is something new.

I really need to focus and get my degree. Once that is in hand, I would be a huge load off my mind. I need a fresh start! Really very badly need one. Looking forward for the day when my blog will have happy and exciting blogs by me rather than emo-fied ones filled with sorrow and hurt! Hopefully it comes soon... =(

Today (28th April 2010)

These past few days have not been going that well for me. I was down with a fever and sore throat. Then flu and now a kinda bad cough. I haven't been getting much sleep either.

Today, I must say, was a bad day for me. I have been cranky and in an annoyed mood throughout the whole day. As a result, I didn't get much studying done *although I was staring at the book for like hours* and I got worked up about other small little things which really should not be any of my concern ANYMORE!!

It doesn't help that when I'm annoyed and irritated the next phase to follow suit would be my emo moments. Yes of course! That came along too. AAAAaaaaaaRRRRrrrGGGggggHHHHhhhhhh!!!

I'm pissed, emo-fied and tired!!

Nothing you can say is gonna justify your actions.

Over the years I have come to know many people from different walks of life. Although each one of them are truly an amazing experience for me, somehow there is to some certain degree a common ground between all of them. *Dun get me wrong. I'm not standing here saying that everyone else is wrong and I'm perfect. I know I'm not perfect and I'm most likely included in this category of people too*

'PEOPLE MAKE USE OF OTHER PEOPLE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT & AFTER THAT - GOODBYE!!'

Seriously!??

Okay, here's the deal. If you need something from someone how about trying to ask them instead of putting on an act? Arrggghh.... I'm so pissed!!

It's finally Official!!

Dun worry I'm not getting married or anything. *like that thought would ever cross yr minds kan? =P* As of today, I'm now officially a final year medical student! *woots*

Ever since our MCQ paper *which I would like to make a note was like a paper from H.E.L.L!!* ended on Monday, I *and I'm sure many of my batch mates* were eagerly awaiting the announcement of our results. Much to our dismay, news circulated that the results would only be out on Friday morning, which was 4 days away!! WTH right? Usually the results would be released that evening or latest the following morning. But just so that we would drive ourselves mad awaiting our results, MMMC management decided to release it on Friday!

Upon realising that there is no use staying in Malacca doing nothing, I decided to come back home! *at least I will be well fed back home kan?* So off to JB did I go!

Although I was home, you would think I would be more relaxed and all but NOO!!! Throughout this whole week the one thing that kept playing again and again in my head was 'Friday is coming soon. You better hope you passed.' The whole 4 days were just about me lazing around trying to get my mind off this exam thingy but to no avail!

Finally Friday arrived. I woke up at 730am and sat myself in front of the computer. On FB one could see all the status of my classmates counting down the release of the result. * In our defense, we were informed that it will be released at 10am* The wait seemed forever.. Then finally the clock chimed signifying 10am but no news of the results.. 1010am still no news... 11am NO FREAKING NEWS bout the results..

Then finally the news that it will only be released at 200pm. AARRRGGgggHHHHH!!!! The agony! The anger.. Hahahaha.... * its all so funny now that I think back about it*

But I'm glad it all ended on a very happy note for me.

To all my fellow batch mates who got through P2S1: Go ahead and enjoy your electives. And job well done! We survived study 1.5 years in Malacca, got through study break and have finally conquered P2S1!!! Our next target P2S2.. But first..... let's party!!!

To those who didnt get through: Don't give up hope! Dun throw in the towel just yet! Use the opportunity given to you and show them that you deserve to be in final year because I know every single one of you deserve it! Show them that okay? Good luck guys!!

Keeping in Touch...

Over the years I have met many people. Some have stuck with me till today. Some are still hanging in there and there are some who have just vanished. Keeping in touch with people we have met. People we come to call as our friends. As many people find *and so do I at certain times*, keeping in touch is a difficult thing to do.

It is my personal opinion that even with the help of today's technology a.k.a the INTERNET, keeping in touch with other people has become hard. Quite to the contrary, posting a blog or constantly updating your on Facebook or Twitter is NOT keeping in touch with people. These are people who actually at some point of time if not always, mean or meant something to you. If you expect these people to know what's happening in your life through your blog, then all that says to me is what is the difference between them and a normal person who is reading your blog??

As much as keeping in touch is difficult, there are certain people in our life that we actually would MAKE time to sit down and tell them about stuff happening to us. Be that through a chat window over the net, a personalised email, or a phone call. That shows effort. Expecting someone to know it through your status updates is unfair to that person!

I know i regret losing contact with some of my friends but i still take some amount of initiative to try and get in contact with them once again.

Over the years what I have come to realise is that when you are reduced to know what's happening in your friend's life through social networking websites, then something is wrong in that friendship. You either need to have a talk with that friend or just let that friendship go...

Hmmmm.... I'm actually venting because I'm pissed and disappointed at certain people in my life who have reduced me to that situation. Whether it is my fault or not, I do not know because it just happened and I suddenly realise that I'm pushed to the curb!! It's sad and hurtful...

Anyways, try to make and effort to keep in touch with people who mean something to you in your life okay? Pick up that phone and give that person a call. Text or email that person if you are too busy.

Busy!! That's another thing I don't understand. How long will it take you to send an text message or to reply one?? An hour is it? Hardly 2 minutes. And if that person cannot do that, then I must say 'walk away'! That person is not worthy of your time!! Its 1am now and I'm blogging instead of studying for my finals because I'm pissed!! Ugggghhhhhhh!!!!

Sigh of Relief....but is it really??

OMG!! It's finally over... Truth be told I never thought I would be this tensed up about an exam.. But I guess as the days went by the reality and the seriousness of the situation kinda kicked in and that did not do good to my stress level..

Here's the deal. I don't know what you guys mean when you say 'Oh! I'm so scared for the exam. I'm so not ready. I'm so scared I'm gonna fail!' When you hear those words coming out of my mouth I really mean it. If I don't I just wouldn't say it.

So 2 weeks of study break didn't do any justice to my studying. *In case you are wondering what I'm rambling about... I just sat for my 4th year medical school finals* Actually let's be honest.. I didn't do justice to my 2 week study break. Let's not say where the time went and what I was doing instead of burying my sad face in my books. But yeah! It just flew by and the next thing I know I just have a few more days left for my exams to start.

Tried to stuff my brain with as much stuff as I could. I was freaking out but outside I think I kinda held it pretty well. Wouldn't say I was calm and collected but at the same time I was screaming hysterically!

I have to thank a friend of mine who made sure I studied every night. Gurpreet, thank you so much! I hope all those nights and morning at Mcd studying will pay off. You are a good friend!

So back to ME! =) Towards the end, my sleeping hours were becoming lesser and lesser. * I guess that's normal in everyone's case right?*

As much as I tried to get done, it seemed like there was more that was left undone. Still keeping it together I just tried to push through. Do I regret the way that I studies? Hell Yeah! I should have started way earlier and been more hardworking! I take all the blame..*Duh! Who else can I blame kan?*

I sat for my first exam on Saturday. It was a long case. *We are given a patient to clerk history, examine them and finally come up with a diagnosis for their condition* It was bad enough that I was on the last day. That morning I find out I'm one of the last few to take the exam too!! So I wait and wait and wait till freaking 12.45pm before I am taken to my patient. I was kinda happy to get a Pediatric case not that I was hoping for one or that I was good in Peads. It was the one subject that I was least ready for. So yeah...although it was just a bronchial asthma case, my history wasn't perfect and I was not able to answer all the questions asked. *sad*

Once they let me go, I was having mixed feelings. It wasn't good nor bad...more of uneasiness.. guess I was just eager to know if I passed or not because deep down I don't wanna fail and not move on to final year with everyone else.

So anyways, I get home at about 2.45pm and there is just this sense of relief inside. It was like I could breathe again or something. I was so tired, exhausted and drained out. That's when I realised the condition my room was in. I was like 'OMG!!' hahaha...but I am glad that I managed to push myself through the exam.. and now I have to hit the books for my OSCE which is gonna start in like 10 hours time. Hopefully that goes well and i'll be halfway done with P2S1. =)

Rising stress levels...

As if I don't have my hands full with my up-coming 4th year finals (P2S1), last week's national incident was just contributing more to it. I have no idea why it affects me so much but it did and it still does! In case you people have no clue about what I am talking about, it is the protest against the relocation of the temple.

For something like this to happen just a few days before we celebrate our 52nd Independence Day was just saddening. I don't understand the necessity of the protest. It could have be carried out in a more civilized way rather than what happened. After 52 years of being an independent country and living somewhat harmoniously, something like this just dampens our spirit. When I viewed the video, I felt embarrassed because I was a Malaysia. Yes I was angry about the cow head but more importantly the way they spoke while rioting, their behaviour and mannerisms were just very unbecoming of an educated Malaysian.

Why the riot was allowed to continue even after threats about bloodshed and racial disturbances were made is a question we all ask till today? But sadly no answer has been provided. Instead the ISA protocol is being reviewed and ministers are justifying the riot. Many people are upset at the way this issue is being handled.

Apart from that there is the impending doom of my finals hanging in the background. At the rate I am going I have doubts about making it through and progressing to my final year. Thank god the study break is here. Its now time to shift into ultraspeed and make some progress with my studies. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself through.

On a brighter note, some nice things did happen this week as well. I had a visit from someone very special and that most certainly made my day. (Thank you for that!). I have managed to patch up things with a friend of mine. And last but certainly not least I am now back on my normal sleeping schedule. *Most of the time that is*

Social Network Sites and Us

No! I'm not going to say that the social network websites like Facebook and Twitter are bad or that we should stay away from them. I'm just gonna sit down and analyse how different our lives have become since the advent of these websites. Don't get me wrong I am in love with these websites (especially Facebook and Twitter *You would have noticed how they are frequently mentioned when I exemplify these websites*)

For all those who use these websites and actually check up on them on a frequent basis and not do it once in a blue moon, you guys know how much fun it can sometimes get. But I'm not here to discuss the fun part of these websites. *I'll do that another day =P*

Let us analyse.........

In my opinion we have become to dependent on these websites. Okay I'm not gonna start pointing fingers at people. Let's talk with me in perspective. I have lately realised that I have become too dependent on these websites. I update my day-to-day occurence on it. People know what I'm up to and stuff. Some may term it being easy and simple. But I think it is slowly doing some damage to the relationship we have with these people. Why can't I just text them to share with them what's going on in my life? Or better give a call now and then. No that would involve money. Doing it through these websites is FREE!! And we cover a more larger number of people at the same time. Right?... Agreed but it does take a toll on the relationship. Somehow the friendship we have with these people is confined to that website alone. For instance if I wanna know what a friend of mine is up to right now, I would just have to check his Twitter or Facebook. But as his friend what does that tell about me? What kind of a friend am I if I need to rely on a website to know what my friend is doing or how is he feeling?

What happened to the days when we used to call up and check on our freinds? The advent of technology has caused us to sit in front of our laptops, PCs or phones and access the world. It has come down to that friends have stopped calling each other and converse through these websites. If I happen to be having a nervous breakdown, instead of getting a call from a friend, I probably get a comment to my status on Facebook saying 'What happened?'. I mean seriously!! Are we that busy that sparing a little time for someone would mean total chaos for us?? I still feel great when I hear a friend's voice over the phone or meet over a cup of coffee... Where has those days gone? People tend to give the excuse that life has become too hectic and that they are constantly busy. It's true that time and tide waits for no man but at the same time if we do not make some time for the people we care for and love, rely on these websites to know if yr best friend is sick or having a breakdown....worry just comes to mind.

So to all those who read this blog of mine * I am grateful that you read it. Seriously!*, pick up the phone, call a friend or two...check up on them or better set up a meeting and let them know that you are still there. Let us try to be better friends even with the help of these websites.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry :

• I wasn't there to comfort you when you needed comforting.
• I wasn't there to give you a hug when you needed one.
• I wasn't a good friend when you needed someone to talk to.
• I wasn't there when you needed a shoulder to cry on.
• I created much trouble regarding a small matter.
• I got your name involved in it.
• If I ever did something to hurt your feelings.
• For my big mouth.
• For not understanding you.
  

...

There is only so much that I can do to make this work. And all that I do will be of sheer waste if it's only a one sided thing. Apparently I'm expandable to you when you actually mean a lot to me. You have made it clear. And now watch me back away....

Annoyed

I have been pissed ever since that day when I was called or should I say termed as being 'self-centred'. If any of you guys reading this and actually think that I am so, post a comment cos I would really really like to hear why do you think I am so??

Today I realised that chatting online annoys me. I believe I am someone who relies on people's expression when they speak to me. Now can you see why chatting annoys me? Its terms like 'hmm..', 'ic', 'haha'........ I don't know if it is really meant when it is said... And for me that is super important!! I am on the verge of throwing everything away... I think I have now successfully talked utter crap on my blog... But hey!! Its MY blog... I can say whatever-the-hell I feel like saying...

Here's to YOU ( you know who you are and if you don't well I guess it was never meant to be then)
I can see you moving away. I can feel it. The way you speak, the way you act everything has changed since we first met. What baffles me is the reason - WHY?? There has to be a reason. And the least you can do is tell me what it is before you move away... And i know that day is coming soon...=(

When you least expect it....

Has anyone ever told you the phrase before - 'When you least expect it....'
If you are one of those people then welcome to the club. Many things in our lives happen when we least expect it to happen. Sort of catches us by surprise! It's all happy-happy smiley face when something pleasant or exciting happens suddenly. But when someone or something hurtful happens suddenly, it's hard to swallow.
Here's is my attempt to make a list of things that happened when I least expected. Maybe you should try making one yourself. Here goes :

When I least expected......

• I found people that I can trust.
• I found that people lie and cheat and that nobody can be trusted.
• I realised that I am being used.
• I realised that I am alone.
• I fell in love.
• I realised the hurt and pain of a broken heart.
• I have people who care for me.
• I saw the true side of some of my friends.
• I saw the fun and exciting side of my friends.
• I saw the extent my friends would go to help me.
• I got hurt by the people that I cared for ever so much.
• I realised that nobody's got your back but you yourself!!
  
• It dawned on me the importance of family!
• I found friends who actually mean what they say.
• I found myself.
• I lost myself.
• I hurt myself.
• I survived myself.
• I confessed my feelings to you.
• You broke my heart.
• I realised that life without you is near to impossible.
• You called me a self centered person.
• I realised that I deserve much more than you.
• I grew up, grew wiser and then a lot dumber.
• I realised that what doesn't break you, makes you!!

Why Not Be Honest For A Change??

It's been some time now...and I have come to the conclusion that we, humans, can never been truthful about how we feel. We always try to sugar coat stuff or find ways and means to break it of to the other person in a nice way. Now you see, that isn't the bad part. Its called being caring and we just dun want the other person's feelings to get hurt. Right??....

The problem or should I say default in this system of ours comes to surface when people tend to say certain things although they don't mean it! For what?? All in the name of being polite! Now that's utter bullshit!! One can say a million things and still avoid saying things they don't mean! Why would you wanna say that you miss someone when the only time you think of that person is when you receive a text message from them saying they miss you??!! What is the need to respond with a 'I miss you too!' when you clearly don't??!! That's just S.T.U.P.I.D if you ask me!

Things would be so much easier if people just spoke their mind. One doesn't necessarily have to be rude in order to speak your mind. It can be done in a very civilized and sophisticated manner. But the main point is to speak the truth and if you can make do without the sugar coating and all...all the better!

A State of Confusion - In Utter Mess

Well I guess it's safe to say m confused...or I should say 'conspewed' (inside joke). Trying to understand people and decipher their codes is just too confusing and tiring. So my conclusion is - If you are gonna be vague with me, I shall be vague with you! If you are gonna be 'civil' with me, then 'civil' I shall be too. And last but not least, if you are gonna use me for our own benefits, then FULLSTOP!
I have wasted enough time trying to make everything and anything work because I don't want to lose some people. But apparently they don't mind losing me! WTF!!! I'm not some 'thing' that you remember exist only when time suits you or when you need something! I'm human just like you and I thought we were friends! Guess the circumstances under which we met was the real reason afterall!
Great! Now I'm pissed!! Anyways that's like 10% of the load of my chest! Expect more in days to come! Cya guys!!

Worst Case Scenario

My worst case scenario is to be forgotten. Not just to be forgotten by anyone but by someone whom I had once considered to be one of my best friends. To be just forgotten with the snap of the finger. If you are reading this, you know what you have done. I cannot take it anymore. Give me a reason for your behaviour because right now this is torture. I will not accept the notion that you are busy and swamped because it has never stopped you before and you can always make time to say a 'Hi!' I know I may sound cocky but I know I mean so much more to you or at least I used to. What changed? When did it all change? Why did it change? We got to know each other in the weirdest situation but what started of as just casual talk blossomed into a beautiful friendship and I'm going to hold on to it no matter what! If you are going to let it go, give me a reason for doing so before you let it go because the friendship involves me too!! Each day not hearing from you is proving to be a challenge to live by. A simple 'Hi' or a buzz. Is that so hard? Or do you just feel it's not worth it anymore? Is it me? Or is it ME? I require an answer. I deserve an answer! YOU owe me an answer!!